Dr. Chris

I won’t be seeing my friend, Dr. Chris, today.  Business just got too slow and the rent too high, so he had to close his doors.  For three years I’ve seen him at least three times a week, for several hours at a time.  Technically he’s a chiropractor, but for me he’s been so much more than that.  When I first arrived in his office, referred by a friend and desperate, I could barely get myself onto one of his tables so he could work on me.  I’d had a bulging disc that I’d been working on with a physical therapist, but I thought I could heal even more if I had chiropractic help as well.  I went to someone with a good reputation.  I was interviewed by one person and treated by another.  My theory is that communication went awry because with one aggressive move, that chiropractor turned my bulging disc into a herniated one.  Once the jelly is out of the doughnut, there’s no putting it back.  I could barely walk.  Keith would take me from home to school so I could teach, and then cart me back so I could get horizontal on our firm sofa.  If I moved suddenly it would feel like someone was stabbing me in the leg with a knife.  I went, in under a second, from being able-bodied to being permanently disabled.

I wasn’t very trusting after that.  Western medicine offered me the choice of cortisone injections into my spine until the cortisone would begin to degrade my spinal tissue, or permanent medication that had a list of horrific side-effects.  I tried the cortisone twice but it hurt like hell, had minimal productive effect, and caused my heart to race for days.  I tried acupuncture.  I think it helped a bit.  I tried sound wave therapy.  I don’t know if that helped or not.  My last traditional treatment option was to fuse my discs together, and my physical therapist did not recommend it.  He said that over time the fact that two discs were in an unnatural position would affect the discs above and below causing an eventual cascading failure.  Finally a trusted friend recommended Dr. Chris.

Chris Abrahamson is a tall, fatherly Swede, and the most gentle man I have ever met.  His prices were ridiculously reasonable and I immediately felt safe with him in spite of myself, so I decided to give it a shot.  The first time on the table, I could barely tell he was doing anything.  He was touching my spine but not with a lot of pressure.  I would have thought he was a fraud except that when I got up I felt a little better.  That was the continuing trend.  I’d go.  He’d be gentle.  I wouldn’t know why but I’d feel better.  Continuing treatment is necessary for maintenance and there’s never going to be yoga, running or any high impact activity in my future, but I can get around pretty darned well these days.  He is everything a chiropractor or any kind of doctor should be.  But here’s the thing, he’s more than that.

Chris is a genuine healer.  His calming presence is soothing to everyone who has come into his office.  I’ve watched it happen.  People are full of anxiety and stress, and when they leave they are relaxed and smiling.  Personally, I have an anxiety disorder.  I can have my heart racing when I’m thinking about flowers.  Part of the reason I went to see him so often was because when I went, it calmed me, even on really hard days.  I also have a hard time expressing how I feel, and so I carry a lot of my feelings in my physical body.  It’s weird, I know, but it’s true.  There were times when no one else was there and he would lay his big open palm on my shoulder or stomach and I would start to bawl my eyes out.  It didn’t bother him.  He’d just sit on a stool at the head of my table, his hand on my shoulder, saying oh so quietly, “It’s okay.  It’s okay.”  He’d hand me Kleenex and then when I sat up he’d sit next to me and I’d finish crying on his shoulder.  He always had a twinkle in his eye and when I was depressed he could always make me laugh.

Once Keith was out of town and I was at home and accidentally grabbed the handle of a skillet that had just come out of a 450 degree oven.  I could hear my fingers sizzle.  I was in so much pain and had no idea what to do because ice made my pain go through the roof, and all I could remember were old wives tales about burns.  With my remaining functional hand I texted him at 9:00 p.m. on a Saturday, and he texted right back, “No ice!  Use a bowl of cool water!”  I did so and texted a couple more questions.   Then I tried to leave him alone.  Pretty soon I got an incoming text.  He was checking on me to make sure I  was okay.

When I needed emergency surgery he came and visited me in the hospital even though he hates hospitals.  He held my hand and got teary-eyed because it was right after surgery and I was a mess.  He really, truly cared about me.  It was so appropriate and so extraordinary to have a doctor as a father figure caring for my emotions as well as my body.  Maybe because it was another chiropractor who hurt me, after a while he only charged what I had on my HSA.  The way he treated me changed the way I view God because it changed the way I view men and fathers.  And I know I’m not the only one who has been utterly blessed to know this man and be helped by him.

Monetarily some may look at his life and think it small.  They would be wrong.  I have never met anyone who gave so much to so many, expecting so little in return.  This is, in my opinion, the definition of a powerful, meaningful, important life.  Without him and his generosity there would be so much more suffering in the world.

His life has become an example of true success to me.  Even if I don’t make a lot of money I want people at the end of my life to say that I made every bit of difference that I could, loving people and the creatures of the world to the best of my ability.  I may not be a healer in the traditional sense, but I can be a lover of all through my research, my art, my words, and my actions.  I will sometimes fail, but I will keep recommitting to love because those with the most beautiful lives I’ve seen, like Dr. Chris, have done the same.  Hopefully we’ll go out once in a while for tea because man, I’m going to miss that guy.

Putting it Out There

It’s been a while.  Hi!  I just posted on my vlog about being vulnerable, so here I go in written form.

I hid in the corner, back then,

so young, so

shamed by being my

self, shaking, feeling

anxious for no reason and so

so

stupid.

You saw me and coaxed me

out as though I were feral,

or as if I were hiding in

a shell somewhere where people

payed money to stare and tap

and wish I were more brave.

You saw me in there and I don’t know

how you did it because I didn’t

know how to be seen or even

what color my sad fins had

joined to become after they

began life as hands.  I

felt loved.  I felt safe

enough to let my 20” deep

aquarium thick glass to keep the

sharks in/out wall

down

and all the water flooding through

the entry.  And it was good.  God.

I miss you so much.  But you

left me full, with fingers and lungs and

the ability to breathe air in the

company of others.

 

Windows

How difficult is it to see

and breathe the spirit of
someone different, lights
on in another color, maybe
red-orange or a soft butter-
cream yellow that smiles
without showing teeth?
How hard is it to remain 
unseen, unknown but for
a smattering of naked facts
that anyone could see
online if she Googled or
spent three minutes 
browsing, as if for a dress?
How hard is it to know and
be transparent – 
     window-like – with
someone so safe, so flawed
but authentic, that a hand 
full of stones is no threat, 
but a chance to discuss 
ancient geography?

Together

Somehow being with someone
else makes it better, all the 
major and minor tragedies
of every day. She knew this 
was true as a human, because
even though her dad would’ve
been no good in a fight, she’d 
felt safer at night when he was
home. Anyone who’d intended
to kill them would’ve succeeded. 
No matter. Being alone is
worse. Unless it is better. 
Unless the other person is
the person breaking in, with a
knife, and a mouthful of 
slicing in it. Except for 
that. But mostly, a connection,
an exchanged smile, a kind
eye, someone who doesn’t mind
the idea of saving just about
anything from pain, makes
the world better and 
inexplicably safer, even when
nothing has changed. 

Two-way

What is a conversation, really?  It must, of necessity involve at least two persons who are speaking. But do they have to be speaking at the same depth?  Can it qualify if one participant dominates?  What if there is something really obvious to be said, and the person who should say it doesn’t say it, and the other person knows it’s useless to bring it up without the other?  Maybe the other couldn’t handle the answer to what should be that important question?  I don’t know. Maybe it’s enough to be kind and as present, on as authentic a level as possible.   I hope so. 

I called my parents today. I said I had five minutes or so, which led to almost ten. I hadn’t spoken with them for a year and three months. The really odd thing was that they seemed to continue on as though nothing had happened. All that worrying I did about not being able to answer their questions was completely wasted. I didn’t really want them to ask questions I couldn’t answer yet, but it was surreal to be so superficial after such a long time. I guess a part of me is always going to yearn for a healthy relationship with them. And yet, I think what I’d better focus on is to have the healthiest relationship possible with people who’ve chosen to remain in the same emotional and cognitive snares they’ve dealt with since childhood. It may sound like I’m being hard on them. As far as I can tell they’ve had opportunities to grow but haven’t taken them, but I don’t know what’s in their hearts. Truly, they both carry deep wounds with them everywhere. It’s just that I’m not responsible for making those wounds feel better. It isn’t my job to make them feel happy and secure. It’s my job to be responsible for myself, my responses, my emotional and mental health. It’s my job to figure out how to draw boundaries and keep them, even if it makes them unhappy. It’s my job to know how much and what I can give without doing damage to myself. 

For now, that means they’re going to receive intermittent 5 minute phone calls on speaker phone from my therapist’s office. After my call today I spent 2-1/2 hours with my chiropractor. My whole back seized up. I’d say that’s all I can do, but doing it was kind. It was considerate of my mother’s upcoming birthday. I was as present as I could be with people who didn’t say anything of consequence, except that they loved me, which I really appreciate. They could’ve been real assholes about it, so oblivious isn’t all that bad, I suppose. My job is me. Their job is them. My job is me. Their job is them. 

Maybe we never get to relate in such a way that I receive as well as give. Maybe this will be until the end. Maybe that’s okay. All right, it sucks, but I have been profoundly blessed by people who truly care about me. I have amazing, two-way people in my life, and we give and receive from each other constantly. It may not be the same as having that relationship with parents, but it’s far from a negligible gift. 

I’m going to let Mom and Dad be Mom and Dad. My needs are met elsewhere. I can give what is healthy for me to give and learn to say “no” to things I legitimately cannot do. That will be the hard part. I’ve always wanted to make them happy, and it’s time for me to give up on that. They haven’t realized I’ve given up on that yet, and that will cause a few internally charged silent moments, I’ll bet. Still. They’re going to have to get used to it. I’ll give them light conversation-ish as I’m able and that will have to be okay.