I’ve decided to take a new approach in my spiritual journey. I’m going to try believing what I actually believe instead of second guessing myself until I’m dizzy. I’m going to be willing to plant my feet to some degree, acknowledging that I don’t have a corner on all truth and maintaining an openness to conversation but refusing to be patronized. I’m going to attempt to give myself the same grace I give others, knowing I’m doing the best I can to be loving, kind and honest. If God has a problem with my beliefs he is surely big enough to get my attention and help me navigate in a new direction.  

I think I’ve simply reached the point of realizing that doing the same thing (that is, attempting to figure out a perfect theology with the goal of pleasing God enough that he will deign to become present to me) is far too close to insanity for my liking. I don’t even believe in that approach in my conscious mind. The problem is my subconscious programming that I must “get it right” or God won’t show up. Is he inscrutable?  Yes. I cannot understand him, but I do believe he is good in spite of all my railing, flailing and other expressions of frustration and desperation.  

I must say, it takes a very long time to overcome some of the embedded messages from childhood. It seems ludicrous, really, but I can hear my therapist’s voice in my head, reminding me not to judge. Healing takes time. Part of healing for me involves moving in a different direction. I know I have opinions with which others will disagree, and while I don’t savor the thought of being rejected, which does sometimes happen as a result of disagreement, I actually think it’s natural and healthy for people to have differing views. 

So self, listen up. Try to be kind to yourself. Do your best to just throw your perceptions in the air and trust God to catch them. In the meantime, it’s okay to put your feet on the ground in a solid pair of shoes and just stand there. Just be. Wait. Listen. Stay. When the voices come that tell you you’re going to hell for your flawed theology, turn around and tell them to talk to God about it, because those voices aren’t God. At least, they’re not the God you believe in, so stop and recognize that. Breathe. Accept comfort. Avoid comparing your journey to others’. Love. Try even loving yourself even though it feels stupid. That might be kind of important, but you have time to work on it.