I’ve noticed everyone putting together digital photo albums to commemorate the last year. They look great. Really. I’m just not up to doing it. 

Last year I put together Christmas cards with an insert that said “Don’t Ask” instead of my usual, newsy update. I didn’t actually get most of them sent. I guess that’s just something that can happen when a person has had a breakdown during the year.

There are actually quite a few surprises associated with breakdowns, although of course, I’m only familiar with my version. Long after the death wish phase has passed a person can find new evidence of collateral damage. One of the most disturbing things to me is that my handwriting changed. I don’t like this at all. I used to have pretty great architectural lettering, and now I just can’t manage that much control. I’m still taking an insane number of supplements as guided by my naturopath, because so many of my systems are still depleted. Sleep is fickle and problematic. 

On the other hand, I’ve noticed that I have much less tolerance for taking the blame for things. It’s sort of ironic. My breakdown caused me to see the factors that led to it, which in turn resulted in the revelation that I’m a really strong person. Yes, I have real issues that I have to face, but I’m a damn powerhouse to have made it this far. I don’t want to put up with any more of the “it’s all your fault because you’re fucked up, you dear and delicate soul” shit. I have a lot of great insights, both in spite of and because of my experiences. I am full of compassion and loaded with the need to be real. A person never fakes his or her way out of a breakdown. 

How in the hell am I supposed to cram this into a happy little “year in review” album for Facebook?  I don’t have pictures for the times I’ve managed to get out of bed and go to work even when I felt like I couldn’t move. I didn’t take selfies at the doctor’s offices. Not any of them. I didn’t record my voice when I allowed myself to be angry about some injustice in the world. All I have are cat pictures. 

I guess if you’re getting this, it’s my version of a 2014 summary. I was still recovering from the breakdown in 2013 when I got a herniated disc from a bad chiropractor. There was a shooting at my school. I go to a new and gentle chiropractor three times a week, see a therapist and insist on honesty in my relationships. I love my husband and a freakin’ lot of other people. And animals. I love almost all of them. And I can give six hours worth of lessons on environmental issues without looking at my notes. That about sums it up. Maybe next year will involve more images and a  link to a Christmas carol.